I dissected a dead human, only to realize I did not want to do it anymore!
- Karishma Dotia
- Jul 23
- 5 min read
I quit MBBS. I did it. At the age of 17, I made a tough choice of giving up a secured medical seat I earned through merit. I left it for an equally deserving and more desiring NEET MHT CET aspirant.
With the current political atmosphere across India, where the youth is asking for accountability stemming from the NEET issue, I can’t help but re-live my journey of 11th and 12th grade. Oh those gruelling days of preparing for and participating in the entrance exams alongside 1.9 lakh other aspirants. The stress of the course work along with last minute policy changes was a story then, is a story now. Back then we were competing for the only 4% of seats available in the State in comparison to the number of aspirants. Today’s reality is also quite similar, unfortunately.
For the ones passionate about the stream, they put their all in. And then there are those of us, who have the ability to put their all in but are in strong cognitive dissonance with their true desires. In Indian schools, if academically we fare well, our teachers push us to pursue medical sciences or engineering. Seeing all of my peers taking it, with no guidance around alternative options, and a liking towards Biology, I jumped in on the journey of “trying for a medical seat”, even though sometimes my mind whispered, “shall we become a painter?”
Even with the confusion between the two streams, I had one thing clear, I would only pursue medicine if I could crack the entrance exams meritoriously. If not, great, the universe had decided for me that pursuing Art was the way to go.
I spent my next 2 years, preparing, crying, questioning, getting allergies due to cortisol rise, and competing to make it to the top 10 list in my coaching classes. There were days when I was enchanted with Zoology, got nerdy with concepts of Physics, and organically made sense of Inorganic Chemistry. Then, there were days when I questioned if my love affair with Science had to end with a marriage in the pressure town of Medicine? Could I instead date Genetics, Microbiology, or Cytology without the commitment to be a doctor?
The role models as teenagers we looked to, our coaching classes professors, fed only one narrative - "BSc is for the mediocre, we should aim for the golden ticket of MBBS, a more lucrative pathway."
What a fallacy! Hahahah!!!
To reduce the cognitive overload, my teenage brain intuitively adopted the principle of Suspension of Judgement - which means to delay a point of decision in order to circumvent decision paralysis and decision fatigue. Now, as a practitioner in the space of behavioral and decision sciences I understand and appreciate my ability to do so.
So I prepared to give the exam and then decide what it is that I wanted to do. Now, kismat me likha hai toh kya hi kar sakte hai? (Now, if it is destined to be then what could I do?)
I cracked the NEET MHT CET with a 257th state rank among the 1.9 lakh aspirants who appeared that year.
I didn’t know if I should have cried over letting go of my dream to be an artist or revel in the joy as I would have become the first doctor in my family. I spent the next few weeks post the result day talking to career counselors, medical students, and medical practitioners to figure out what a life of doctor is like. The message unanimously came to my ears from everyone:
“If you don’t take medicine, who will?”
“Not everyone gets a seat, go for it, don’t question!”
“You can, so you should.”
Then I thought, okay, “If I can, why not?” With my rank, I got admitted into the top 3rd medical college in Mumbai.
At the end of week one of attending college, my mother could see how low I was. She was my constant companion during my 11th and 12th mood swings from excitement to nervousness. But this was different, it was a face in full gloom.
She held me tightly, and asked, “beta it’s okay if you think this is not your calling - it’s okay - I am with you.”
I broke down.
“I still like biology but the classes, structure, lectures, and practicals don’t excite me. People are vying out there for this seat but I am here thinking of running away before the final admission cut-off deadline and pursuing Art. Am I NORMAL?”
Soon I connected with my very wise brother over a call to share my feelings, another calming voice during my hard times in high school. To my surprise, he congratulated me!
He laughed, “Finally, you are listening to your inner voice, you are being honest with yourself, and taking the courage to say out loud what most won’t”.
He asked me, “So what are your next steps now that you know what you want?”
Almost relieved, I said, “I have about 21 days before I can drop the seat and someone else can take it up and it would not get wasted, so I guess I will go tomorrow and ask the clerk about the admission cancellation process.”
My brother suggested a different approach, “how about you stay in the college for the next 20 days, with the clarity of your decision, and a care-free attitude to try every class, lecture, and practicals? Think about it, where else will you get to experience the thrill of being a medical student? This will also help you be 110 percent sure that you won’t live in regret that you didn’t try it.”
I embraced this approach. As a designer I would say I was already prototyping a life experience ready to capture learnings and pivot!
I had a very interesting next few days living the life of a medical student in a government college of Mumbai, everyday feeling reassured that I didn’t want to be a doctor. One day dissecting a cadaver, another day looking at human tissues under a microscope, and the following day studying physiological processes!
I realized that I still loved learning Biology and all the cool subjects of the MBBS course but I didn’t need to constrain myself into the mould of being a doctor to gain the knowledge. I could continue to be curious and read. I still do - have lots of science books and articles in my personal collection.
Closer to the cut-off day, I walked into the admissions office to cancel my admission. The clerk looked shocked, he almost choked and asked, “Are you SURE??? People are dying to get this seat.”
I said with a big smile, lightened shoulders, and thanks to the prototype experience, confidence - I know people are vying for this seat and that’s why I am leaving it for someone equally meritorious and more desiring than myself.
Of course after the initial high of this decision, I did come down with a low due to uncertainty of “Now what? Do I want to become a painter?” but that’s a story for my next blog.
Though during the low period if someone had told me that I would go on to become a Designer, Researcher, Educator, Artist, and Behavioral Science Practitioner, I would have started rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL :D)
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