A Mother-Daughter Relationship in 2026

Duty Centricity. I first consciously thought of this concept when I went on fieldwork to rural Bihar researching with mothers during their pregnancy and lactation journey. 

Though, this concept is not very alien to the context of many women even in urban India, especially among the generation of our mothers. In my own context, my mother was taught, no wait, trained to decenter self. “Your husband goes to work, have the lunch ready by 11am” - so he can eat and then go. Kid’s school auto arrives at 7:00am, so wake up at 5am, prepare their breakfast, fill their short break tiffin, make their long break tiffin, wake up the kid at 6am, check in at 6:30am to pull him out of bed and push him into the bathroom, ask your husband at 6:55am to drop him to the auto.

Finally make your tea and sip it while going through the same drill for Kid no. 2 and making 7 rotis (flatbread) for the husband.

With all of the chores, the mother has de-prioritized her sleep, her breakfast, her exercise, her needs, and focussed heavily on her family’s needs as her duty. 

On the field, when I hear similar routines from women younger than me, the researcher in me sits poker face with occasional nods, the activist in me gives a muted scream inside the mind.

For my mother it was 16-18 years of this practice of deprioritizing herself, till her children left the cocoon, but even now it has become a habit - one which is difficult to break. 

On some days as she recalls her life instances with pride, her identity as a duty-centric wife and a mother stands out. On other days, from her experience, she strives to ensure her daughter does not have to step into the kitchen - ever! Okay, the daughter can enter when she wants to bake cookies, or plate a fine meal, or perhaps experiment with spices and herbs on a bread platter. Though, unlike the mother, her daughter has to prioritize exploring a world outside of the burning flames that she rarely got to. 

Does it mean the mother doesn’t teach her daughter the survival magic that the kitchen has to offer? 

No. She equipped her daughter with those skills, just taught them differently.

When her daughter was five, the mother turned the play time into exploring shapes on roti (bread). Where mom made rotis for everyone, and the daughter made star, triangle, and heart rotis for her father and the chidi (sparrow). 

On days that the mom was tired, the teenage daughter took the responsibility of her mother’s evening chai.

Over holidays and weekends, the adult daughter assumed sous-chef chores to help the mother. 

So the daughter did grow up equipped with magical powers for survival but it was made very clear to her that the kitchen was a sacred space, not a confinement unlike for the previous generation. Oh, but this wasn’t communicated in direct words, the daughter deciphered this slowly as she understood her mother and her mother’s emotions deeply.

Some cues looked like:

1. If the cook is on leave, mom’s first instinct is to order out. When the daughter protests that she wants to cook pesto pulav for the family instead, because ordering out doesn’t align with her health goals. Mother’s face starts to show sweat beads, the voice changes from soothing to high pitch, with the first word uttered “No”. Though in her heart the mother admires the daughter’s intentions, her next words look to convince the daughter to roll with the ordering in plan.
   

2. If the daughter has negotiated her way into the kitchen, the mother ensures that the father serves as the daughter’s sous-chef. As a side effect of that decree, the father and daughter turn this into bonding time, with daughter as the creative lead and father as the problem-solver.
   

3. Once in a while, the mother will step into the kitchen to “ensure proper ventilation for the daughter” “find the right pan to ease her effort.” “Oh and the veggie needs to be chopped this way with this knife.” “Girl, you will have to multi-task, soak the dal, then roll the dough” And soon the daughter will remind her mother of the kitchen hijack, which prompts the mother to go back into the room in mild anger. Anger not at the lack of efficiency. Anger at the thought that the daughter has spent the whole week working her job and is still working over the weekend. 

But from the daughter’s point of view - this is play in its purest form - 

"What if I grated carrots today instead of slicing them?" "Can I add thyme to the pulao?" "Yay time to use my stone mortar and pestle for grinding basil pesto."

Because for the daughter this play is out of choice, curiosity, and conscious effort unlike the duty, drudgery, and deep-seated conditioning of the mother.  

A photo collage of craft from the kitchen, where the daughter is the creative lead, father is the assistant, and mother is an external advisor.

A prequel to the above story

Now sharing some context of what triggered me to share this analysis of a mother-daughter relationship in 2026. This morning my mom and I used sharp tongues and great argumentative skills to put forth our cases with each other - in other words - fought with each other because mother deprioritized her breakfast to honor her kitchen chores.

A design consultant by disposition, I wanted to continue to engage into a dialog for re-evaluating our resource allocation, stakeholder responsibilities, and time management so my primary stakeholder (dearest mom), could center her health goals. But, my mom was just too exhausted to break away from the current state and bring in the change.

As a protest behavior (read self-regulation technique), I stepped back to my desk and started penning my frustration into this story. Minutes later, after having her tea, mom came to me for another round of conversation. This time we both approached with calm and curiosity to understand each other’s points of view. 

Through goal congruence, long-term implication assessment, and various coping strategies we finally co-developed interventions to ensure my mom does not deprioritize herself starting tomorrow. Now awaiting some time into the new interventions to re-evaluate what value we can measure and impact we can assess through an end-line study someday!